8/5/08

Top 10 Reasons Why Lance Armstrong is a Douchebag by Crazy Carl

This comes directly from an instant message convo:

now that brett favre has been outed as a huge doucheface, i can't wait till someone tears down lance armstrong

1) lets see... he got cancer, his wife stood by him. he got rich popular and famous, and dumped her ass.
2) for the first 6 months or so that the live strong bracelets were being sold, the money didn't go to cancer research. where did it go?
3) he fucked an olsen twin.
4) let me get this straight. he won the tour de france without performance enhancers, and yet, the last 3 years multiple riders (and one winner) have been caught using performance enhancers, and had worse times than he did?
5) he's a texan, and he rides a bike.
6) he's like ricky bobby. he pretty much only won because of how good his team is, but they never seem to win stages, and they aren't famous and probably aren't rich
7) he did a horrible job hosting SNL.
8) he made the media shove cycling down my throat. no one cares about bike riding.
9) did i mention that he probably did performance enhancers, and is lucky he never got caught?
10) he got famous using our money. for the last 4 races, he was sponsored by the United States Postal Service. where does the postal service get its money?

Let's see what he comes up with next!


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22 comments:

Anonymous said...

what a shame anyone uses their energy against someone else like you have. your facts are wrong and your attitude is narcissistic.

TShirtCritic said...

Holy Christ!

Lance Armstrong & an Olsen twin?!

Sometimes I wish I actually read this celeb BS news more..

That's crazy.

Anonymous said...

Haha, I am sick of Lance Armstrong. I googled "Lance Armstrong" and "douche" and was taken to this blog. Nice work!

Anonymous said...

I agree. Lance is a total douche bag. Can't stand the jerk.

ana gláucia diaz said...

I will give you an 11th reason:

Lance Armstrong sues animal group over yellow wristbands.

news.yahoo.com — WASHINGTON (AFP) - The Lance Armstrong Foundation set up by the former Tour de France champion to battle cancer is suing an animal charity over dog and cat collars which resemble its yellow wristbands.

What a fucking douchebag!

Skoolhaus said...

12th & 13th Reasons:

He's trying to push a statewide smoking ban in Texas. Freedom of choice! We don't need anymore governmental nanny-ing.

For someone who's so "concerned" with the environment (i.e., clean air), he uses 300,000+ gallons of water a month for his luxurious Spanish mansion here in Austin...

Sit & spin, Lance...sit & spin.

Anonymous said...

Yeah and when Sheryl Crow got cancer, he dumped her ass. AND he's an ugly little fucker.

Anonymous said...

he is no one special the only reason he beat cancer is because of his money, he is no hero the real heroes are the single moms with cancer that cant afford medical care and are working 2 jobs trying to provide a life for their children lance armstrong is a deuschbag

Anonymous said...

You can have a few new reasons:

Armstrong sues an animal advocacy group for using the color yellow on their charity bracelet. The Douche owns Yellow.

Armstrong breaks up with Crowe on the reason she wanted kids (although it was about the cancer she had being a downer), but then knocks up a woman months later.

He also does the "you'll never work in this town again" to waiters and bar bouncers.

http://austinist.com/2008/02/04/lance_throws_hi.php

basically said...

http://www.goodbadjuicy.com/horrible-music-and-the-balless-wonder-collide

a few years later and he's still goin strong.

and whoever said what a shame...blah blah blah, needs to go back to church and do something daring and fun, like get high!

Anonymous said...

UMMM, first of all, he hadn't even met his wife when he was diagnosed with cancer. It wasn't until he started LIVEstrong that he met her, and FYI the US Postal Service is not owned by the government, which is why they can sponsor him.
Oh, and he was CONSTANTLY tested for performance enhancing drugs after every stage of every Tour. Maybe you should do a little research before you go and slander a man whom you do not know, and are obviously jealous of. I would recommend reading his book.
PS I bet you didn't know that by the time he was diagnosed with cancer, it had reached stage 3 and spread to his brain. Oh yeah, then he went on to win the Tour de France de France SEVEN times. Maybe you should put your effort into something maybe infinitesimally smaller then that, if that wouldn't be too hard for you

David said...

People who defend Lance Armstrong are sheep. Sure, he did a couple of impressive things, but he also has some serious character flaws. Why is so important that they stop us from crticizing him, anyway? Surely they don't feel threatened by us? Also the "jealousy" argument is just so tired and has very little basis in fact.

Anonymous said...

Another reason:

His mother profited from him by writing a book called: No Mountain High Enough: Raising Lance, Raising Me.

Tom Fool said...

I have my own Top 10 (some are similar):
1. His wife stood by him while he battled cancer. He recovers then promptly dumps her.
2. Sponsored by the US Postal Service. Say no more.
3. Dated an Olsen twin. Say no more.
4. Advocates for "cyclist rights." Cyclists already have too many rights! (no license, no registration, ignore traffic rules, etc.)
5. Likes to jog shirtless with Matthew McConaughey. This may thrill the ladies, but for us guys, this qualifies him as a Class A douche.
5. He just looks like a douche.
6. Enough of those damn bracelets!
7. Douches worldwide idolize him.
8. He lied about performance enhancing drugs and everybody knows it.
9. He's a corporate whore.
10. He's a famous for being a cyclist

Anonymous said...

Yep, Lance Armstrong really is a fucking prick.

Anonymous said...

Thank you. Lance Armstrong really is a fucking prick.

LanceisthekingofDouche said...

Thank HEAVENS for this site. I can't figure out why people are so quick to defend such a douche. Lance is the KING of douches! He should have his own brand.

I'm really sick of people cheering for Americans and American teams just because they're American. Hell, Ted Bundy and Charles Manson are Americans too. Good thing they didn't win the Tour de France. 'Live Strong, Bundy. Live Strong!'

And I'm sick of hearing how fucking brave he is beating his cancer. You know who'd brave? The fucking little black kid who has no insurance, was just diagnosed with cancer and was told, 'that's life kid.' Sorry every cancer patient doesn't have corporate endorsements. I'm sure having a shitload of money and a shitload of public sympathy doesn't help people who have cancer. Oh yeah, and something to live for.

Also, sick of these fuckers who win the sport for X times in a row past three. Seriously, we get it. You're a great cyclist. Now get the fuck off the track and give someone else a chance you selfish fuck! Seriously, we limit presidential terms, we should limit sports. I DON'T WANT TO SEE FEDERER WIN 8 WIMBLEDONS, DON'T WANT TO SEE A WILLIAMS KID WIN ANOTHER ANYTHING AND DON'T WANT TO SEE LANCE WIN ANYTHING ELSE. THEY'VE WON ENOUGH, FUCK THEM, MOVE ON AND GIVE OTHER RIDERS A CHANCE ALREADY!!!

If Lance were actually someone admirable he wouldn't have ham-fisted the best rider out of the best spot in Team Astana. He also wouldn't have announced he was moving to Team Radio Shack DURING THE FUCKING TOUR DE FRANCE!!! As someone else put it, that's like announcing you're switching teams during half-time at the Superbowl. It's a DOUCHE thing to do.

As for the doping, fess up. He ALWAYS skirts the issue. 'I passed the test' is his standard answer but he never mentions he took things that weren't being tested for. His teammates attest to some seriously dubious shit, including selling bikes for on the road, mid-race blood transfusions. Other riders needed bikes but Lance was hawking them on EBay to keep the good times going. Specialized noticed the bikes were being sold but said the matter was out of their control because once they give a bike to a team it's the team's bike. In this case, Lance's bike to keep doped.

Maybe I wouldn't have so much venom for the man if he wouldn't act so smug and completely innocent. It's a bullshit act that only a fool would ignore or support or say 'It doesn't matter'. When you've got the same guy, winning the biggest event in a given sport and he's taking drugs for every single instance of that event THAT MATTERS! THAT COMPLETELY INVALIDATES THE SPORT!!!!

It's bad enough world class riders took back seats to the man because he could buy them off. And mind you, he bought them with corporate sponsorship. Thanks Michelob Ultra and you're fucking awful commercials featuring that prick.

And oh yeah, dumping a chick (hot chick, at that) who stood by you through cancer. Sorry, that earns Lance the title of:

Yellow Jersey Number One Tour de Douchebag Champion of all time!

Anonymous said...

I thought that in the USA it was "innocent until proven guilty"?

While I agree that Lance Armstrong is a douche, it is not fair to judge someone based on stories. However truthful these stories may be.

Now lets go through your reasons one by one

1) LA got diagnosed with cancer in 1996, met his wife in 1997 and married her in 1998 when he was no longer ill.

2) Legitimate point.

3) How does having sex with someone make us a douche? I and I bet you too have made some mistakes in that regard.

4) Already dealt with. Innocent until proven guilty.

5)Again how does that make someone a douche?

6) He wins because he has the best endurance of anyone in the field.

7) Ok so he fucked up at something not very important in the first place.

8) No one cares that you don't care about cycling.

9) blegh. dealt with already.

10) USPS is not owned by the government. source? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USPS


Now, while I agree that lance armstrong is a douche. Only one of ten reasons on your list is legitimate. That means 90% of your article is a load of shit. Maybe you should stick your energy into something else. I heard cycling is fun.


Sources for the rest of my info: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lance_Armstrong

Anonymous said...

Lance Armstrong touched my penis....

Anonymous said...

Lance, is that you? Your behavior is no less than a thug, bullying riders and their wives and black listing Tyler Hamilton from making a living. Hope your other monster sized ball gets cancer and spreads it to your infantile penis too. Never trust anyone with beady close set eyes and a beak for a nose. Last fucker that looked like that stole two elections and hailed from Texas too.

Anonymous said...

From the very beginning, I did not care for Lance Armstrong. There wassmething about him that never set well with me.....I have felt this way before about other "celebrities" before and ultimately have been right on about my instincts. Finally, I have been proven right about Armstrong. He is a narcissistic, evil, little bitch. What a creep.

Anonymous said...

Lance Armstrong is a douchebag.