Rules for Good Jewish Living...

Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.

And what's wrong with dry turkey?

A good Matza-Ball sinks in mercury.

Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.

Guilt is critical to your existence.

One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side-of-the-street parking is suspended.

A bad matzo ball makes a good paperweight.

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.

It's not who you know, it's who you know that had a nose job.

After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.

WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.

Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

If you don't eat it, it will kill me.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?

Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.

Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon

AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:

There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell
his mother that he is an adult. This usually happens around age 45!

Finally, a Kosher Computer

We've heard that you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low... even with the shipping from Israel! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:

1) The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

2) You hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.

3) The cursor moves from right to left.

4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?"

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."

6) It comes with a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the "schmutz und drek."

7) When running "Scan Disk" it prompts you with a "You want I should fix this?" message.

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, "Schloffen."

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

11) Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC now gets "Ferklempt."

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"

14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.

15) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."

16) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

17) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM!