Rules for Good Jewish Living...

Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.

And what's wrong with dry turkey?

A good Matza-Ball sinks in mercury.

Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.

Guilt is critical to your existence.

One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side-of-the-street parking is suspended.

A bad matzo ball makes a good paperweight.

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.

No meal is complete without leftovers.

If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.

It's not who you know, it's who you know that had a nose job.

After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.

WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.

Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

If you don't eat it, it will kill me.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?

Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.

Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon

AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:

There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell
his mother that he is an adult. This usually happens around age 45!